I’ve had a lot of time on my hands.
But are you okay?
Someone seems a bit nostalgic.
I’ve had a lot of time on my hands.
It seems the days are going by so slowly lately.
Chord didn’t know if this was better than her yelling at him. He had always dated when they fought, not only because it always felt wrong. But because it was always like getting the silent treatment. Di didn’t explode or yelled at him, but it killed him when she cried. Chord hated seeing women cry, but seeing Dianna cry was a whole other thing and he really couldnt’ take it. He let out a sigh when he realized that he didn’t really have a good enough reason why he hadn’t come to see her that time she called him. Chord had been selfish, he had been thinking about himself and what he wanted to do and his future and his career. He felt stupid. He looked down at his lap before raising his head to look at her. “I…I didn’t know it was important and I just..I was dumb. I was thinking only about me and I realized it now and I’m so sorry babe. I know I should’ve listened to you.”
His eyes turned back to his lap as she talked to him, only making him feel worse if that was possible. Chord furrowed his eyebrows together as she explained herself, he didn’t understand what this had to do anything until she said it and Chord looked at her, confusion clear in his face. “You…” He let her finish before running a hand through his hair. “You thought that you were pregnant?” Chord asked even if he knew he had heard her right. He needed to say it, and while he was feeling horrible about how he had dealt with things, now he was feeling hurt because she hadn’t told him something as important as being pregnant. “And you, you didn’t tell me? Because I didn’t come, you didn’t tell me?” He asked softly.
Chord watched her walk over to the window silently, not really sure of what to say as he thought things over. He was obviously the one who had been wrong, and he definitely felt guilty about it but he was also hurt after the last thing she had said. If she told him that she had doubts about this, that there was a possibility, he would have come, he would have come in a heartbeat. No questions asked. Sure, he should have como home only by her asking him but in his mind, he thought that it was fair that she had told him instead of keeping this from him until now. “I’m sorry, Dianna. I know I should’ve been there for you. I regret not coming back, I’ve regret it ever since I made the decision but I’m hurt. I’m hurt that you would take this long to tell me even if you’re not pregnant. You could’ve told me. You could have said it on the phone and you chose not to and I feel fucking horrible about this, especially now. This was important for me too.”
It was pretty painful to deal with all of this confusion. Dianna felt like she was spinning around in circles and didn’t know which way to go or how to put a stop to it. “I didn’t tell you, no. I needed you here to hold my hand, Chord. I didn’t need you across the continent crying into the phone like I was.” she told him, still staring straight ahead out the window. Dianna didn’t know what to do or what to say.
After a long silence, she whispered, “I couldn’t say it on the phone. If I said it to anybody, it was real, and you weren’t here. That was real. And I couldn’t have those two real things happen at once.” It was a bad excuse, she supposed, but it was what she had. “I am not saying that it wasn’t selfish, Chord. It was selfish, but I think i earned the right to be a little selfish in that moment when I thought my whole life was going to change. I wanted the one thing that was constant in my life to be there next to me and ease some of the scariness of the whole situation.” Crossing her arms, Dianna leaned against the window. She knew that if she looked at Chord, she might just breakdown and lock herself away in her Magick Room and not come out for hours. “I don’t know what else I am supposed to tell you. I could have just ignored this. I could have let us live in this intense environment until one of us broke and said something we didn’t mean. Would you rather that?” she asked him as she wiped away the tears running down her face. Elvis slumped to the floor and grunted. He hated when his parents fought.
Running her hands through her hair, Dianna pulled it back and up into a ponytail, securing it with a little black elastic that had been on her wrist. Turning around slowly, Dianna lifted her head to look at Chord. He was just as upset as she was but Dianna was unwilling to cave right now. “I am sorry that my choices hurt you, but I am not sorry that I didn’t tell you over the phone Chord. I stand by my decision, damnit.” Her arms dropped to her sides and Dianna could feel herself deflating. The first time she had seen her boyfriend in months and here she was, fighting with him over something that she didn’t even know why it meant something to her.
Walking back across the room, Dianna sat in her chair and put her head between her legs. It seemed childish to say she was sorry that she wasn’t sorry, so she just let her last words hover above her and Chord, settling between them. All she knew was that she loved him so much, but if he couldn’t come home when she asked him to, if he couldn’t understand that when she needed him, she really needed him, then Dianna didn’t know what else to say to her boyfriend.
/ I would never to that to you /
Chord didn’t know if that was meant to make him feel guilty about him not being there for her when she needed him, or if he was actually feeling guilty and he was blaming it on the fact that it was true. She was there for him, always. And even if it was just that one time, he wasn’t there for her and she had every right to be mad and upset at him. He deserved every single thing she was about to say to him, and he knew that but it didn’t make it any less hard. He took the drink from her and took a small sip, not really thirsty or feeling like he wanted to drink and instead just paying attention to her every move.
"I know." He said softly, taking a seat on their couch nad putting the bottle of beer on top of the coffee table. He knew that they had to talk, in fact, he had wanted to talk since the moment she had come to see him backstage, way earlier that dya but he understood why she had wanted to wait until now that they were alone and that Chord wasn’t under so much stress. He had only one more show in Los Angeles, but the tour was taking a week long break in the city and then take off for two other weeks to finish it. He was relaxed, or he woud be relaxed if it wasn’t for this argument and feeling guilty.
He gulped at her question, looking at her in what could be considered a helpless look or a surprised one at that. Truth be told, he didn’t know how to feel baout that even if she wasn’t pregnant. Last time they had even mentioned kids, the had ended up arguing about it because Dianna had seemed very clear about them being too young. That had been almost a year ago though. “Um…I…I’d be happy.” He said seriously before leaning his elbows on his kness, still looking at his girlfriend. “But I’d be scared too, because…I don’t know where you are standing when it comes to…being pregnant and having kids with me.” He shrugged slowly, not knowing what to say. “What does this have to do with that?”
The atmosphere in Dianna’s apartment was dark and cloudy. Dianna was not a dark and cloudy person and she hated for her apartment to feel that way. She was uncomfortable and sullen and this was the first time since she started dating Chord where she was so angry. Di could tell he was uncomfortable too, but not because he felt the dark and cloudy feeling of the apartment, but because he was feeling dark and cloudy himself. She knew Chord so well, so why didn’t he come home when she asked him to so? “Why didn’t you come home Chord?” she asked him quietly, ignoring all the other questions and statements she had previously made as she waited for him to answer.
"I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. If I was pregnant, there is not a doubt in my mind we would make the most incredible little family." she told him after sitting in silence for a few minutes. Dianna was always so calm, even when she was angry and sometimes she even amazed herself with that. Her hands drew little patterns on her legs to keep her grounded, but tears were threatening to fall right out of those hazel eyes and down her rosy cheeks. "I needed you Chord. I really needed you to come home. And I really needed you know that if I was asking you to do so, it must have been important." she murmured just above a whisper. Looking over at her boyfriend, Dianna felt sick, like she had been when she thought she was pregnant. "I thought I was going to have a baby, okay? I wanted you to come home and go to the doctor with me and tell me it was going to be okay. That we would raise a little family and that you would marry me while I was barefoot and pregnant on a beach somewhere because you didn’t care about tradition. I needed you and you blew me off." Dianna told him. She was so angry and so sad and at this point she couldn’t control it anymore.
Standing up, Di walked over to the window and put her head against it. The glass sent a calm, cooling sensation through her body and Dianna tried to steady her breathing. Elvis came over and nuzzled his nose between her legs and looked up at her. Dianna and Elvis had bonded more than ever now that Arthur was gone and when she was sad, Elvis would climb onto the couch or the bed with her and put his head in her lap and she just knew that Elvis was doing his part in making her feel better. Patting him on the head, she whispered, “It’s okay, El.” to the sweet dog.
Carousel - Vanessa Carlton
Want To - Sugarland
Oh! Darling - Across The Universe Soundtrack
Black Velvet - Allanah Myles
When It’s Time - Greenday
Giving Up The Gun - Vampire Weekend
Fallen - Sarah McLachlan
First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes
Here Comes Your Man - Pixies
You’re The One Thing That I Want - The Lennings
Chord wasn’t sure that pushing this back until later tonight was a good idea. Even if he was acting like everything was okay because that’s what Dianna wanted, he wasn’t feeling comfortable. It didn’t feel awkward because it was extremely hard to make things akward for them, Chord and Dianna had always made sure that no matter what happened the other one was going to be there and they weren’t going to judge the other one, it was still different and Chord only wanted to see where they were stnding right now.
He furrowed his eyebrows as she talked about what she had been up to. It seemed clear to him that while Chord had been incredibly busy and on tour, Di had been working and getting her usual things done which he thought was great. It had been threee long months for the couple, and that was without saying that it had been tough when Di had been away. There had been quite a few obsticles for them since then but they had always worked it out. “I’ll come looking for you right after I’m done, babe.” He kissed her gently, getting up with her. “And I love you. Always.” He wrapped his arms around her and pressed his lips against her forehead.
After a concert and saying goodbye to his brother and bandmates, Chord ran a hand through his long and messy blonde hair and walked out of the building. He figured that Di and his friends were outside waiting for him and that was soon proven right when he found the small group right outside and started hugging them all. He smiled and even blushed when they talked about how awesome he was. He pecked his girlfriend on the lips, resting one of his hands on the small of her back as they all talked about the show and his songs. Soon enough, Chord and Dianna were stepping inside their apartment, with Chord letting out a sigh of relief even if he wasn’t relieved at all. He knew that they had to talk about things and he was going to start the conversation if needed be. “Thanks for, you know, coming to the show.” He started, biting down on his lip. “I would have understood if you hadn’t…”
Once she left the arena, Di just worried herself the entire afternoon. Of course she wanted to talk this out with Chord. Of course she wanted to feel better, but something inside Dianna said that this wouldn’t be solved in a matter of minutes. She couldn’t remember the last time she was this upset. She spent the afternoon with Jenna, trying her best not to talk about the problems in her relationship. Jenna, Kevin, Mike Trevino and Dianna all had a nice early dinner together before they made their way back to the Roxy.
While in the audience, Dianna was Chord’s biggest fan. She sang along to every song. She screamed her head off. She was nothing short of a supportive girlfriend. That’s who Dianna was anyway, but she just didn’t feel like she was being genuine. Everyone around her was buying the act and right now that was all that mattered. After the show, the whole gang waited outside the back doors for Chord. Upon seeing him, the others attacked Chord. Having seen her boyfriend earlier, Dianna hung back until Chord had greet them all and she took his place by his side, giving him a congratulatory kiss and staying close to his side. Kevin asked them all to go out, but Dianna declined, letting Kevin know that her and Chord had already made plans to stay home tonight since it had been a while since they had seen one another. Of course the gang teased her, but Kevin also understood.
Once home, Dianna slipped into their apartment and shed her jacket, greeting Elvis with a kiss to his nose. Since she had lost Arthur, Dianna just wasn’t ready for a new frenchie yet. She just stuck with Elvis. When Chord was home for good, they would discuss getting a second dog again. He brought up how he would have understood if she decided she didn’t want to come and right away Dianna felt tears welling up in her eyes. “I would never do that to you.” she said as she stood slowly. Kicking off her shoes, Dianna nodded her head towards the bedroom. She wanted to change. If they had to have this conversation right now, she wanted to at least feel comfortable. Changing quickly, Dianna asked, “Do you want a beer?” as she headed back into the living room. After pouring herself a drink and getting Chord one, she took up a spot in her favorite reclining chair and looked over at her boyfriend. “Chord… we have to talk about you not coming home when I asked you to.” she said quietly. It was the last thing she wanted to do. “What would your reaction be if I got pregnant?” she asked him. Seeing Chord’s face she quickly added, “I’m not pregnant. I just want to know what you would think if I was pregnant.”
Chord furrowed his eyebrows at her, clearly confused as to why she wasn’t talking to him about their call or just…doing something. But as she moved closer to him, he pressed his lips against hers firmly, wrapping his arms around her small frame, eyes closed and not thinking about anything that wasn’t her. He really wasn’t thinking about performing or anything, he had been doing all of that for three months by now and on top of it all, he had managed to believe that it was so important that he hadn’t thought about what his girlfriend wanted or needed from him.
"I love you." He said softly, kissing her a couple of times quickly. His arm was moving up and down her sides soothingly. There were a lot of things in his mind as he sat there and listened to his girlfriend, but Chord was only paying attention to her as she explained herself. He wanted to say that he wasn’t mad, that she had all the right to be mad, but he was only sad. He felt horrible about everything that had went down between them, especially now that he had understood it had been his fault.
He shrugged lightly, touching the side of his face to hers. “Honestly? I’m tired.” He started, turning to look at her eyes. “I was sick for like the last two weeks, a cold or something, but I still had to sing and all that stuff. I gotta admit that I didn’t think it’d be this hard, I can’t wait to be back home with you for real. A weekend with you is too little time.” He smiled softly at his girlfriend. “How’s my girl?”
The comfort of Chord’s arms was something Dianna had been craving, even if she was upset with him. She hadn’t been sleeping well, she hadn’t been sleeping in their bed and she just wanted her boyfriend. Dianna felt so alone, just like she had felt on the island when Chord left for a run and didn’t come back for hours. She was running on empty, but she had to pull herself together for his show tonight. “I love you.” she whispered back to her boyfriend. Dianna did love him very much, she just didn’t like him all that much right now. Again, this was not the time to sort all of that out though.
All the girl could do was nod when Chord talked about how tired he was and how much he wanted to be home. “Yeah. I would really like it if you were going to home for a while too.” she stated with almost no emotion in her voice. This was almost too hard. “I am sorry you were sick.” she said with a sigh. Dianna wanted to be snarky. She wanted to add, “You could have been home for 24 hours and gotten some rest, but you chose not to.” but Di didn’t say that. She just sat in her pool of doubt and anger for a little while longer because that was what Dianna had to do to be supportive right now. “I’m okay. I’ve been doing some stuff with YM&C and some other charity things, but not a whole lot has been going on, you know? You haven’t been here, Naya is the busiest she has ever been in her life, Lea and I just never talk anymore now that she and Cory are official. I’ve been hanging out with Ashley a lot, but there just hasn’t been anything big on my plate.” Dianna explained to her boyfriend and she tried to be as lively as she could to him, but she knew she was failing.
A text came through and Dianna could feel it vibrate against her leg and she knew Chord could feel it too. Picking it up, Di read the message from Jenna and realized what time it was. “I told Jenna we could get mani/pedi’s before the show. So, break a leg and I will you see you afterwards, right?” she asked him, smiling weakly at the man in front of her who looked just as broken down as Di did. “I love you.” she said sweetly as she leaned in to kiss him tenderly.
All right people, I know you have this fascination with my behind, but this is just hurtful. So please stop. You are all better than this.